(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
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Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?