Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Dead
Alive
Other✔
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
2022 be like
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual