I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
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People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?