VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
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Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
S M O L
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
CUTE CAT‼︎
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
titanic
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.