Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
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Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life