you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
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I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
same bro
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.