My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
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What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Terribly Tuesday.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
You deplete me
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”