I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
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Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.