I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
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Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
#JohnTravolta
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.