the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
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Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.