*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
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It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Does your wife know you’re single?
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.