“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
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I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I can’t wait!
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Anime is real
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.