“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
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*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Chicago sounds lovely.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.