the short answer to this question
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Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*