Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
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I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
We have a winner.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Current mood: Potato
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
How about I get 100% off by already being there
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.