Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
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Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
meow
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*