I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
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BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl