Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
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Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
just having fun
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in