Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
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HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.