When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
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The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.