ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
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Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
This is a sub tweet
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!