No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
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Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I really had high hopes for this year though
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.