The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
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Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
School be like
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out