I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
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Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”