Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
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I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Got ya covered
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do