When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
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My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.