I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
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“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
man i love columbo
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
craving $300 all of a sudden
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*