*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
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Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
😩😩😩
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time