My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
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Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal