*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
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Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
what are they serving at kfc then???
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Rambo Rambow
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger