[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
You Might Also Like
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
That de-escalated quickly
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.