ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
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The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet