I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
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One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.