Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
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Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
monday
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute