[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
You Might Also Like
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
technically true but not a great slogan
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat