Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
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Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Best mom ever 😂
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Please do it!
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…