[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
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emergency phone
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Word!
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
“Huge”.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice