Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
You Might Also Like
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.