Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
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Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
is nasa ok
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Lol
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”