IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
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[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Go girl power!
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now