ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
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wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.