“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
You Might Also Like
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Effort made
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.