I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
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Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
From Facebook just now…
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?