IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
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*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.