me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
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Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s