I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
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Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?