The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
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Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.