I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
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[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
All set.
What the dentist sees
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?