Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
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Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.