Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
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I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
what the
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”